As many of you know baby number two is due July 4th, 2012! We are very excited that Beckett will have a little brother to team up with and I am hoping the both of them become fast friends! Last Saturday we celebrated Beckett's 3rd birthday and as I am still recovering from the work I poured into all of the party planning (I sewed 15 superhero capes, made 30 Guinness cupcakes from scratch, and threw a big "after party" for our friends), I realized that it still didn't end up distracting me from the realization that baby number two would have been due March 24th which would have been tomorrow.
Matt and I found out back in July that we were pregnant which was quite a surprise to us since it was only a few months after I had started my new job and we didn't think we'd get pregnant so fast. I suppose everything happens for a reason because at the end of August we found out via the 8 week ultrasound that the baby had stopped developing and there was no heartbeat. My body didn't register that the baby was no longer alive and so for almost 2 weeks I had to experience the continued effects of pregnancy but with the knowledge that at any day I could miscarry. I honestly can't explain everything I went through emotionally because it was easier to go numb at that point. During the appointment when we found out the baby had stopped developing, I was more worried about how my doctor must have felt telling us this devastating news than my own feelings receiving the news that our baby was gone. After almost two weeks of anticipating a miscarriage, it was finally recommended by my doctor that we move forward with the D&C procedure.
The entire experience now seems like a distant nightmare but instead of focusing on the negative aspect of losing the baby and worrying if I would be able to get pregnant again, I decided to focus on the fact that everything happens for a reason and that God has plans for us beyond our control. Of course I was extremely disappointed in losing the pregnancy but I also knew if I dwelled on the situation it would eat away at my spirit. I was worried if we got pregnant again, we would miscarry, or that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. Because I knew I had the potential to become obsessive about getting pregnant and planning out timing, I did one of the toughest things a control freak like me could possibly do... I let it go.
I didn't buy the multiple pregnancy tests like I had the first time and I didn't even bother to track my cycle since I knew the miscarriage threw everything off anyway (I was honestly never a big cycle tracker to begin with). I decided to let go and look at all the blessings in my life such as a loving husband, a beautiful son, supportive friends, and caring co-workers. What surprised me most about this experience was how many people came forward and shared their own loss of miscarriage which helped me realize that I was not alone and that there was hope ahead (I wish more people were open about their experience because that really did help me heal and move forward). I won't lie and say this pregnancy has been easy... In fact it hasn't been until very recently that I have been able to feel more comfortable in how the pregnancy has been progressing.
Long story short, I am very thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life and while tomorrow will be a reminder of what we lost last summer, I am very thankful that this summer we will be welcoming our next blessing (who is currently kicking up a storm right now!) and I thank God for laying out this particular path he chose for our family!
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| July 2011 All things work out for a reason... |
