My Asian Eyes

Confession... I have always disliked my Asian eyes. Not because I don't think Asians have beautiful eyes, but perhaps it has more to do with not feeling like I ever quite "fit in" being adopted into a white family and growing up in a suburban neighborhood with very little diversity. Regardless, I had quite the epiphany this morning. As Beckett was getting ready for school, he came to me and said he gets sad when he thinks of me being gone and asked if I was ever going to leave and visit God. Ever since his goldfish Spasher died he's had some questions about death, God and heaven. Timing is a funny thing because there have been a few recent life reminders that while my plan is to watch my kids grow up and see them with their kids someday, that isn't always a part God's plan. We don't live forever and we never know when our path and purpose has run its course. Instead of brushing his comments and feelings aside out of fear of how to properly explain "the way of life" to a 4.5 year old, I used this opportunity as a learning lesson for my son. In that same moment it clearly became a lesson for me as well. I looked into his worried eyes and without hesitation it just came to me…

Me: "Beckett?" 
Beckett: "Yes mommy?" 
Me: "When you get sad and I'm not there to hug you, know I will always be with you." 
Beckett: "How?" 
Me: "All you have to do is look in the mirror and you will see that I'm there".
Beckett: "What do you mean?"
Me: "You have my same eyes and so that's how you will know I'm always a part of you and will always be with you no matter what!" 

Beckett looked up at me with his beautiful little Asian eyes and gave me the biggest smile and said how happy he was God gave him my eyes. It was in that moment for the very first time I fully and completely embraced with great pride my own Asian eyes and the beauty they hold for me and both of my children.

It's Bedtime!

Beckett has always been a great sleeper and since he was 3 months old, we never had to rock or pat him to sleep.  He has always just gone down and fallen asleep on his own and generally sleeps 10-12 hours each night (I know, I know... I totally just jinxed myself for when baby number 2 arrives so I'm pretty sure we will be completely sleep deprived and hating life in a few months thanks to this post).  Anyway, most kids have a "comfort" toy or blanket that helps them fall asleep better and believe me, I tried to get him attached to something but he never was interested in any sort of comfort toy.  For a while he had Lamby and Owl but honestly that was more for me to feel like "a good mom offering my child a soft comfort in my absence" (notice the sarcasm) but after he was a year old, I found them outside of his crib hucked across the bedroom every morning so I gave up.  Here are some of the random items Beckett has taken to bed on any given night:

• Richard Scary Things That Go book (AKA: His Goldbug Book)
• The plastic case to my mouth guard he put coins in and now calls his piggy bank
• Fisher Price plastic golf club (He prefers the putter)
• Toy Story Lego Train
• Lightning McQueen Matchbox car
• The Curious George Storybook Treasury he got from Matt
• Stuffed Curious George monkey dressed in pajamas (that is about the most normal thing he's slept with so far!) 
• A pair of yellow scissors (kid friendly!)
• A large plastic Rhino from Brycen
• Triceratops plastic dinosaur from the zoo
• McDonald's Spider Man Toy
• A rock from the side yard
• A dried up worm from under his water table (I'm not even joking... That never happened again! UGH!)
• His new black basketball from Grandma Mel
• A booger (So he tells me with a huge grin on his face)
• A small blue plastic camera toy he got in one of his birthday party treat bags
• His new green crocs
• And tonight he wanted to take his indoor tent to bed!!!

Is my kid weird or what? :)  

Remembering the loss of life while celebrating a new beginning...

As many of you know baby number two is due July 4th, 2012!  We are very excited that Beckett will have a little brother to team up with and I am hoping the both of them become fast friends!  Last Saturday we celebrated Beckett's 3rd birthday and as I am still recovering from the work I poured into all of the party planning (I sewed 15 superhero capes, made 30 Guinness cupcakes from scratch, and threw a big "after party" for our friends), I realized that it still didn't end up distracting me from the realization that baby number two would have been due March 24th which would have been tomorrow.  

Matt and I found out back in July that we were pregnant which was quite a surprise to us since it was only a few months after I had started my new job and we didn't think we'd get pregnant so fast.  I suppose everything happens for a reason because at the end of August we found out via the 8 week ultrasound that the baby had stopped developing and there was no heartbeat.  My body didn't register that the baby was no longer alive and so for almost 2 weeks I had to experience the continued effects of pregnancy but with the knowledge that at any day I could miscarry.  I honestly can't explain everything I went through emotionally because it was easier to go numb at that point.  During the appointment when we found out the baby had stopped developing, I was more worried about how my doctor must have felt telling us this devastating news than my own feelings receiving the news that our baby was gone.  After almost two weeks of anticipating a miscarriage, it was finally recommended by my doctor that we move forward with the D&C procedure.

The entire experience now seems like a distant nightmare but instead of focusing on the negative aspect of losing the baby and worrying if I would be able to get pregnant again, I decided to focus on the fact that everything happens for a reason and that God has plans for us beyond our control.  Of course I was extremely disappointed in losing the pregnancy but I also knew if I dwelled on the situation it would eat away at my spirit.  I was worried if we got pregnant again, we would miscarry, or that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again. Because I knew I had the potential to become obsessive about getting pregnant and planning out timing, I did one of the toughest things a control freak like me could possibly do... I let it go.  

I didn't buy the multiple pregnancy tests like I had the first time and I didn't even bother to track my cycle since I knew the miscarriage threw everything off anyway (I was honestly never a big cycle tracker to begin with).  I decided to let go and look at all the blessings in my life such as a loving husband, a beautiful son, supportive friends, and caring co-workers.  What surprised me most about this experience was how many people came forward and shared their own loss of miscarriage which helped me realize that I was not alone and that there was hope ahead (I wish more people were open about their experience because that really did help me heal and move forward).  I won't lie and say this pregnancy has been easy...  In fact it hasn't been until very recently that I have been able to feel more comfortable in how the pregnancy has been progressing.  

Long story short, I am very thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life and while tomorrow will be a reminder of what we lost last summer, I am very thankful that this summer we will be welcoming our next blessing (who is currently kicking up a storm right now!) and I thank God for laying out this particular path he chose for our family!

July 2011
All things work out for a reason...

Lessons in Friendship

The best part of having Beckett in child care three days a week is the socialization he gets with other kids his age.  There are four kiddo's that the teachers say are inseparable.  These four are the best of friends and sometimes the worst of enemies.  What I enjoy is that he is already learning social cues (verbal and non verbal) from the other kids around him.  Here is Beckett helping his friend Austen put on his socks after nap!  Hopefully Beckett will learn what it means to be a friend and continue lending a helping hand!

The Goofy Side of Beckett

Water table fun!

Timeout is quite boring...

His "funny face"

More "funny face"

Tool time!

"Funny face" on the go!

Refused to take his helmet off after his bike ride!

It's a start!

Beckett is 2 1/2 years old and to be honest I haven't thought a lot about potty training.  I have heard that boys take longer than girls and while he is at an age where people start introducing the potty, Beckett is the type that if done incorrectly, will use potty training as a power play.  If I force it, the entire process could backfire on me... BIG TIME!  To my surprise I got a text from Beckett's teacher at school that he sat on the potty!!  Whenever I have asked him if he wanted to try the potty at home he refuses.  I even bought him a potty chair but he used it as a step stool and a chair for watching TV (see photo above). Here's hoping to getting this kid potty trained by his 3rd birthday! 

New Beginnings!

Camping Trip in June... Beckett LOVED camping!

It's been a while since I have updated this blog and a lot has changed since my last post!  Beckett is now almost 2 1/2 years old and he talks up a storm!  I was a bit overwhelmed to try and catch up on life with Beckett so I'll just write a brief update and move forward from here!  

The biggest change for our family is that back in April, I made a big career change and decided it was time to put family first!  I now work at the Mill Creek YMCA which is 1.8 miles from our house and have been blessed with a regular 40 hour work week (prior to this job I was in an exempt position).  The biggest bonus is that I only work 3 days a week at the branch and then put in about 10 hours from home which means I have almost 4 days in a row that I am with Beckett!  Life is great and I have never once regretted my decision to change jobs!  Now we spend more time as a family and we have the opportunity to go to fun new places!  Beckett is so independent now and talks up a storm!  He has quite the little personality too.  He's goofy, loves dinosaurs, and wants to do EVERYTHING by himself!  I love the new found time with him and can't wait to see where life takes us next!  Here is to new adventures and great experiences!